Thursday, May 24, 2012

To Do's and To Don'ts

"Let's chill, let's settle down"~ Guy

Lately overwhelmed is the key word for my life. I work like a mad [wo]man for 8 hours straight, barely taking the time to wolf down some lunch, and then I come home, feed my family, inhale some dinner, play with my babies, put them to bed, and do some more work. I might fold some laundry or do a few dishes before bed. Downtime is hard to come by. Blogging time, even harder. But I miss it. I miss the life musings and the venting and the laughing at myself and the time to reflect. I miss reading other blogs and connecting with other mamas. I miss the release.

I've also begun to experience the inevitable guilt that seeps under your skin as you spend more time away from your family. For some reason, it was unexpected this time. That prickly sensation just beneath the surface slowly trickling into my heart. Creating teeny hairline fractures chipping away gradually. I thought I was meant to be a working mom. I am meant to be a working mom. But the transition to working at home half the time to working outside of the home most of the time has proven tougher than I could have anticipated. Working part time is ideal, I think, especially when you have really little ones. At the same time, I feel deep down, past all of that liquid-y guilt, that this is what I'm meant to do. To be outside of the home so that I can be a better mom when I'm inside of the home. To foster a career that I'm passionate about. To be that example to my kids that we should pursue our passions in life. I'm doing something creative and it feels wonderful to reignite that part of my brain.

But some days I feel like margarine spread ever so thinly over a piece of a lukewarm toast. Today was one of those days. A day of not good enough. I beat myself up more than I should have, cried a little, and then poured myself a glass of wine. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing for my family, the right thing for me. And I knew that I was. It's not easy, though. Why is it that when we have so many blessings right in front of us it feels like they're just out of reach?

That's why I'm very grateful for the long weekend ahead. It came just in time. Maybe I'll actually potty train Q this weekend. Maybe I'll figure out how he's getting home from summer school every day. Maybe I'll plan some ways to incorporate more of his speech therapy at home. Maybe I'll teach Z to clap. Maybe I'll teach her to sign. Maybe I'll pack up some of the clothes she's outgrown and donate them.

Or maybe I'll just find some time to enjoy my family without all of the pressure. Perhaps this is one of those times that knowing what not to do is better than trying to cross another item off of the To Do list. Perhaps doing it all is not all it's cracked up to be.

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