I was one of those as a kid. Princesses, ballet, pink, Barbie dolls -- those were my bag, baby. As I grew older, I didn't cling so tightly to the notion of being girly. I played basketball. I danced. I wanted to be like my older boy cousins. I adored clothes and all things fashion. I started a love affair with hip-hop. I never dreamed about my wedding day. In other words, I mixed things up.
But I did dream about one day having a little girl of my own. When I was pregnant with Q, I honestly didn't care about the baby's sex because I knew I wanted one of each. So if it was a boy first, then great! If a girl first, lovely. And when we found out we were having a healthy boy, I was so happy that I cried. T was convinced that I was crying because I wanted a girl, but they were tears of joy. I swear. I couldn't wait to meet the little guy.
And now that I'm in my second pregnancy and we don't plan to have any more children, I fully own the fact that I would like a healthy baby girl. My friends know it. My family knows it. I'll tell your mama and your cousin, too. I know I'm supposed to only wish for a healthy baby. I know that telling the world that I want a girl could bite me in the booty if I end up having a boy. But I can't help myself. I have to be honest about this wish.
So, when we find out the baby's sex on April 21st, I'm expecting to cry again. Regardless of the news. And this is one of the reasons I could not wait until the actual birth to find out the sex. If it's a boy, I may go through a bit of a grieving period. And I think that's okay. I want to have time to get to know this baby growing inside of me. To adjust to the boy or to the girl. Why is gender so important? It just is. I'd like to think that it doesn't matter when you're out in the world, but we all know it does. I'd love to experience parenting both sexes. (And I totally wanted a big brother when I was a little girl.) But if it's not meant to be, then I'll have to come to terms with that.
What will this "it" baby become? Waiting another month seems unfairly long. Oh, the anxiety! I'm sure it will fly by. Right?