Monday, February 07, 2011

Mamasay Memories: Finger Comb

"Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow, where you been don't bother me nor bring me down in sorrow. It don't even matter to me where you're wakin' up tomorrow, but mama, you'll be on on my mind." ~ Jack Johnson

My mom has been visiting me in my dreams almost every night for the last week. I figure she's there for a reason. But typically we're doing nothing very special -- shopping, trying on new lipstick colors, lounging around. Stuff we used to do together that didn't seem very meaningful but that I always enjoyed. Sometimes we're even arguing a bit. That's not something we did very often at all. But I still love every bit of my dreams with her in them. She's there. Before she was sick. Healthy and happy. That's all that matters. When I wake up, reality shoves me deep in the chest and I'm sputtering from my inability to catch my breath. From having to face another day without her in it.


The emotional ups and downs I'm experiencing lately remind me of the ways she used to soothe me and make me feel safe. Even if I wasn't particularly upset, I would sometimes crave a little affection from my mom and I would ask her to run her fingers through my hair. I don't know if it's something she used to do when I was little, but as a grown woman it somehow always made me feel warm and content. I would lay on the couch with my head in her lap and she would gently use her fingers like a comb through my hair. I'm sure I never asked her to do that when she was sick, so it's been many years now since we've had one of those moments.


But I find myself doing the same with Q. If he's feeling cuddly, then I take full advantage of our time together. I run my fingers through his fuzzy head like rainwater through newly grown grass. I plant little kisses all over his face and head, hoping they will bloom into his feelings of safety and warmth. He murmurs "Mee-ma" and I feel content again. Fingers really do make the best combs.


9 comments:

  1. This is so sweet. You are very lucky to have dreams with your mom in them. When waking up reality may be hard, but you have the sweet moments to help you go on.

    I love that you do what she did to your son.

    You're right, fingers are the best comb. and they bring comfort.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wonderful mama memory, girl. It made me tear.... And you are so spot-on: fingers-as-comb really is one of the most soothing things in the world! I'm so glad Q has those cuddly moments when he lets you work some magic on his head and in his heart. xox

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful post. I'm sorry you lost your mother but I'm happy you both still have moments to share.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love this post. I have yet to have a night time dream with my dad, so you are very lucky!

    I know, however, what it's like to daydream about my dad. It's amazing. In those dreams, he's so alive, so real. He's alive in my memories, in the same way that your mom is alive in yours. That's, I have realized, what having a legacy is all about. It's about the way we are remembered in the hearts and minds of our loved ones.

    I'm sure your son is storing your finger combing in his mind as a fond memory of you as his mother. That will be part of your wonderful legacy. It's such a beautiful thing!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aww, hugs. My mom is such an important part of my life and the reality that she won't always be there is so painful. You are such an awesome mom, you make your mom proud every day.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Damn Sis...that piece of writing had me, as Dad would say it, verklempt. I really felt like I was spying on a piece of your world.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you all for the kind words. Sis-O, your words in particular were the best kind of compliment.

    ReplyDelete
  8. beautiful post! I love to hear about your giving the finger comb love back to Q!
    EJ

    ReplyDelete