My Q > IQ

"And something happens to me, there's some kind of wonderful" ~ The Drifters

We had a good weekend together. One that made me want to step back and press pause. To view it all from afar because sometimes that's the best view. The big picture, right? It's too easy to get bogged down in the details. In the day to day. But then you are able to be in the moment and enjoy it and realize just how fleeting it all is. 
 

 
Q has come so far over the last few months. He's not only losing the baby chub but some of the toddler antics along with it. And while that's a little sad because my baby is growing up, it's mostly a relief. I've gotta be honest--he hasn't been the easiest little guy to parent. Those who know him (and me) well can attest. He's "spirited" and "active" and "stubborn" and "aggressive". He's also curious and fun-loving and affectionate and hilarious. Plus his language abilities have grown tremendously after over a year of speech therapy. I get giddy when I hear him say something as simple as "I have an idea!" Because it took a while to get there. And he's been working so hard. His growing confidence with language has aided in his ability to better regulate his impulses. So yeah, there's more to it than needing speech support.

During our last parent-teacher conference, Q's preschool teachers suggested that he be evaluated by the school district for special education services. Not the easiest thing to hear as a parent. But very much needed. We really needed to hear it. Because I had suspicions and T wasn't on the same page. When his teachers very cautiously suggested this, we knew they were right. They just needed to push us in the right direction. And so began the journey of advocating for Q to get him assessed. After about a month of preparing and back and forths, we've gotten all the paperwork in and the dates are set for his evaluation and school observation. 

I'm looking forward to learning more about my son. I want him to get all the help he needs so he can feel he's at the same level as his friends. So he can talk and play in all the ways he wants. So he can satisfy his curiosities about the world and just get it. Really soak it in. And be ready for kindergarten. 

"What'd you say, Mommy?"

"I said I'm proud of the way you played with ZoZo today. You were really nice with her. You're a good big brother."

"I did a good job? I was nice."

"Yes, you should be proud of yourself."

My heart feels like it's alternately being squeezed and expanding. Like I couldn't love him any more than I do, but then I do and it's like, whoa. How is it even possible? He's mine and he's far from perfect, but he's absolutely amazing. 

P.S. Q had to go to the dentist 3 times in the past 2 weeks. He had a slowly dying grey tooth from when he was newly walking and banged it on the edge of the bathtub. Three years later there's an abscess above that tooth. The biggest abscess the dentist had ever seen in her career (and she wasn't all that young). So there was draining. And then more draining. And then the eventual removal. Bye-bye, baby tooth. Hello to a very apropos mischievous grin!

 

Many Months, Many Moons: Z's 18th Month Day

"Age ain't nothin' but a number" ~Aaliyah

18 months, ZoZo. That means a year and a half. That means we're just a hop, skip and a jump away from 2 years. Then 3, 4, 5 and you're in college. The months turn into years turn into me trying to remember your first word. Already?! Age is so much more than a number, but then I understand what Aalyiah was getting at too. (I'm 100% positive that Aaliyah didn't coin that there phrase, but it's so much more fun to give her credit.) It's your experiences that make you who you are. And you've done a whole lot of living in 18 months, Zoe.

You were born on 9/11 in the wee hours of the morning. You came out making a ruckus and you haven't stopped talking since. My heart sings every time I hear a new word come out of your mouth. She said "run"! She said "dirty"! She said "money"! Not in that order or in one complete utterance, mind you. You can also hit ear-piercing high notes. Which isn't quite as heartwarming, but impressive nonetheless.

Lately you gallop around like a pony when you hear music. You want me to pick you up so we can dance cheek to cheek, and when I stop moving, you bounce on my hip and ask me to keep going. It is THE BEST. Sometimes I feel like I'm making memories and trying to capture them with my camera or trying to tuck them into a safe corner of my brain and that maybe I'm not actually in the moment as much as I should be. I love this age of you, ZoZo. I want to make the most of it.

So you're kind of a girl's girl which both thrills me and strikes fear deep inside my bones for a future of must-have-princess-everything. You are obsessed with shoes and my jewelry. You hate being dirty. But then again you also climb and run and roll around on the floor with Q. You're extra ticklish and I can't help but try to make you giggle over and over again. Q likes to get in on the fun of course.

Our life together is not exactly how I wish it could be. I work too much and don't get to experience your daily triumphs. I love your face and miss it so much that I have to remind myself not to smooch you to death when I get home. Or should I follow Luther's advice--a million kisses is never too much?

Happy 18 months, Miss ZoZo! Sorry I'm late but I was probably kissing you instead of writing this.

I Live Four You: Happy 4th Birthday, Q!

"Sunshine baby, drivin' me crazy" ~ Clout

I used to sing that song to you. I still sing it to you from time to time. Little did I know that four years later it would be so apropos. You are my sunshine baby. My first born. My one and only son/sun. You light up my life. You're no longer my little baby, though. And you certainly have found ways to drive me crazy. You're my very own Sour Patch Kid. First you're sour and then you're sweet and then you're sour, probably more sour, a little more sour and then you're incredibly sweet. You make life more interesting, that's for sure.

His lashes!

So apparently as you turn 4, Q stands for 20 questions because you're a little reporter with your "who's that? what's that for? why? which one?" and on and on and on and on and on and on . . .
It can drive us batty, but your curiosity is most awesome.

You're becoming a great big brother. Not that you don't have a ways to go. You still push and hit and take her toys. But you're starting to say sorry more and sharing more every day. And you're protective of her--you insisted we leave the park by the Bay the other day because "ZoZo might fall in the water." You don't like when other kids mess with her either. You always tell people that you have a baby, that you're playing with Zoe, that Zoe's here, that you have a sister!

You love a good chase. You also have a penchant for all things scary. Halloween is your favorite. But you like any occasion that features treats. All you want for your birthday is chocolate cupcakes with candles on it that you can blow out. Wish granted, baby.

What I'm still coming to terms with is that I've been a mama for four whole years now. You're growing into a little man and I'm growing into a mother. We're both still learning and still making a boatload of mistakes. But mostly I'm still feeling in awe over your every little accomplishment.  You've had some struggles and so when I see you overcoming something--something as small as telling your teachers about a toy you have at home when you once struggled with the words--my heart fills my throat and I become a big ol' pile of ridiculous.  I love you so much that it hurts. You've made me evaluate myself more than anyone or anything in this world. And I truly do love you for it.

Quincy, it's your 4th birthday today. Happy Birthday, Quincy!

Zoe, You're 1 of a Kind!

"I love you, baby, trust in me when I say it's okay" ~ Lauryn Hill

I refuse to believe that today is the day. That you have been in my life for an entire year already. For only a year now. Forever and hardly at all. My heart aches more than expected because you are very nearly a toddler. Your infancy has cruised right out the front door. You are becoming more and more your own independent lady. Which probably seems ridiculous to most at only one year old. Just 12 months. But I'm already starting to see the ways in which you will go your own way.

Along with cutting a few teeth, you've amassed an impressive amount of accomplishments in the last 12 months. You love to eat and get pretty worked up when you see me eating something that I'm not sharing with you immediately. You know how to sign "more" and even attempt to say it on occasion, but you'd rather bellyache your way into getting more. You have a few good words under your belt and try to say Elroy ("elyelyelyel"), which is most awesome. You crawl and climb and cruise and downward dog and are way more mobile than your brother was at this age, so I'm constantly in awe and in a state of panic.

While you have yet to grow much hair, the hair you do have looks like spun gold. I'm sure you find it amusing when I attempt to fasten a clip to those tiny strands, but just bear with me. I'm not one for those poufy headbands. Also, how the heck did I get another golden-haired child? Dominant traits, schmominant traits. Your bright hazel eyes are filled with so much wonder and you watch and mimic and watch some more. It's incredible to witness your daily discoveries.

It's tough to not be with you for the majority of most days. Sometimes I feel sick about it, and your clingy-ness when I'm home fills me with an odd blend of guilt and gratefulness. I was very lucky to have spent so much QT with Q in his first year. We had plenty of time to bond. But I'm just glad that you want to be close to me when I am home. Even if it can get challenging. Even when you shriek and cry giant crocodile tears when I leave the room just for a moment.

But as you grow older, you grow more confident in your abilities. You leave the bedroom we're in to tackle the staircase. You head into the dark bathroom and straight to Elroy's litter box. Oh yes, you keep me on my strangely flexible toes (which of course you've inherited). You splash and explore in the bathtub and the kiddie pool without fear. You want to do whatever your big brother is doing, despite him pushing you out of his way repeatedly. You read yourself books and "talk on the phone" with whatever is handy.

Thank you for making the last year so beautiful, my little ZoZo. It's hard to imagine life without you and I look forward to many more years of celebrating your special day. I love you more with every moment.

Zoe, it's your 1st birthday. Happy Birthday, Zoe!

ZZ To The Top: Zoe's 11 Month Day

"You've got to move, you've got to move"~ Santogold

Hello Zo Zo! It's been a while since I've written you from this venue. Let's just say I've let life catch up to me. Sorry for skipping the big 10 month day post-- you know that we still celebrated in our own silly way. And life keeps speeding by and you're 11 months old now. What the what?!

So a lot has happened in the past couple of months. Not only do you crawl now like your tiny booty is on fire, but you're pulling up to standing on the regular. You've gone ahead and made like Tom and started cruising around a bit. You're so proud of yourself, and your dad and I are proud too. As if we have something to do with these milestones. 

I like to think that your first word was "mama" or "mum mum mum" but that's apparently up for debate. You also say "go go go" as we run around with wands playing Harry Potter with Q. You may have said "daddy" once or twice. And in the past few days you've started saying "ball" in a ridiculously adorable voice. 

You're a champion eater and are thrilled to finally be partaking in all of our family meals. You prefer feeding yourself, grabbing the spoon after being fed a couple of bites, so we typically give you lots of finger foods. Favorites include peas, carrots, zucchini, blueberries, TJ's O's, avocado, rice and black beans. You do not like bananas and are still considering cheese and yogurt. You still nurse or drink a bottle of breastmilk 4-5 times a day, but those teeny sharp teeth can hurt something fierce when you clamp down. Which reminds me, you now have three teeth and I think the fourth is not far behind.

I'm having such a blast watching you grow and your face light up as you discover something new that thrills you. You're so very observant, always watching the world with interest. Always watching your brother go wild. Loving his goofiness and not loving the way he snatches toys out of your hands. You, Daddy and Q kick off the evening regularly with dance parties, which you adore. You kick your legs and throw one of your hands up. I love walking in from work and joining the festivities. Keep dancing, baby girl! I promise not to be one of those scary stage moms.

You're 11 months old today. Just one more month until you're a year old. No need to rush through these last days of monthdom. Happy 11 month day, Zoe! I love your face, your toes, your arms, your scent, your barely-there hair, your voice, your laugh . . . well, every bit of you.

Up, Down, All Around Madness

"Upside down, boy, you turn me inside out and round and round"~ Diana Ross

Hello! Yes, I'm still alive. Just barely. It's been almost a month since I've posted and I realize that's kind of ridiculous. Mostly it's ridiculous for me to expect anyone to read this barely breathing blog. But here we are. Or I am. Anyway.

I've tried to post recently. I wanted to write about the month I took-- or planned to take-- off from sugar. But let's just make it a very short story -- I failed after a couple of weeks. I've wanted to write about the ups and downs of Q and Z over the last few weeks. The challenges and joys. The tears, the fears, the hopes, the mania. But I've been so exhausted-- mostly it's mental and emotional exhaustion. And finding the energy to write outside of work has been daunting. But I miss it. 

So I will try to write a general recap of the last month. The highs and lows.

Highs:

- I took Q to his first movie in a theater to see Brave with his Poppa. It was awesome to experience it through his eyes. We got popcorn and M&M's, which I think were more exciting to him than the movie itself. And after the preview and the animated short (which I preferred to Brave), he only lasted about 20 minutes in and fell into a deep sleep that we had to wake him from to leave. Still, it was great. 

 - Z is on the move! Over the last week I've watched her go from frustrated attempts at crawling forward only to end up in reverse to full-on crawling across the room. She's not moving too quickly yet, which I'm trying to cherish, but it is all kinds of adorable. Q barely crawled and it wasn't until he was 13 months, so this feels very novel. 

- I'm in the process of transitioning from a contractor position to a full time hire with promotion, which is great but also a bit stressful. Still, I'm looking forward to some of the perks that full time employment affords!

- Q is making incredible progress with his speech. His sentences have grown more complex and his pronoun usage has become more accurate than not. I'm impressed on a daily basis lately by his growth. Speech therapy is pricey but so worth it.

Joy ride

Lows:

- Q has regressed some as far as aggression toward his sister and other kids. He's had a hard time at summer school. I'd like to write more in depth about this because it really deserves its own post, but I realize that he needs some extra love and attention right now. Which is tough when I'm working so much, which leads me to . . .

- Working mom guilt. Sucks mightily. I miss my little loves and I feel like I'm missing out. And maybe they're suffering for it? I don't know.

- T and I desperately need a date night. Can someone plan a date for us and arrange for sitters? Yes, we need more than one sitter. Unless it's our nanny. She's amazing. But I hate to ask her to be here more than she already is. 

They both had ear infections here, but they were lil troopers.

More than anything, I'm looking forward to our little getaway in a couple of weeks. I don't know that I've ever needed a change of scenery and some relaxation more. I'm hoping it will also refresh my brain. Going to the mountains, breathing in the clean air, going offline completely. Even though it's never easy vacationing with the littles, I've promised myself that I will not stress. I will find a way to truly take it easy and let things roll off my back. Counting down . . .

Cloud Nine: Zoe's 9 Month Day

"You strange as angels dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water, you're just like a dream" ~ The Cure

Oh, it's fine being nine. I guess I can deal with it. With the clapping and the nonsensical chatting and the utter cuteness. I wish I could make more time to soak up this month. Never enough hours in the day to cuddle and giggle and sniff. We only have an hour or two at most when I come home from work before you go to bed and it's just not fair. 'Tis the life of a working mama.

 

You have such a personality, Zo Zo. You're silly and opinionated and affectionate. You're curious and fun-loving and very vocal. You're flirty and confident in Mama's arms, but you're not so sure when out of them. You adore your brother but need your space too. You want to crawl but get very frustrated with not being able to do it, like, now. I'm not going to push the crawling. I'm just going to appreciate the calm before the storm.

You just got over your bajillionth cold and are in such a better mood for it. I wish I could keep the illness at bay and keep you smiling. Those two bottom teeth are like sweet little pearls. Must capture them on film! But you're going to be one tough cookie by the time you hit preschool. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I love you at nine months and at every month. Happy 9 Month Day, Zoe!